Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1Pet 3:7)


Today my church heard an amazing testimony from a dear friend on her role as a wife and daughter. She testified that she has failed to honor her husband as a submissive wife. She also commented on how many women have fallen into the pattern of “emasculating” their husbands with criticism and control. She wants to break this cycle before her daughters enter into marriage and follow the same pattern. Her courage and transparency invited the work of the Holy Spirit into so many of us in the congregation. We are grateful for her obedience to the Lord’s prompting.

Her observations on the “upside down” leadership in so many homes today reminded me of the many couples I counsel with that are in this cycle (as well as my marriage once upon a time). I submit that while some women are born with strong leadership tendencies, many adopt this style in response to fear and the abandonment of male leadership in the home. Here is the cycle in a nutshell: When men fail to lead by the example of Jesus, women become fearful. For many, the primary response to fear is to attempt to control the environment to feel safe. This attempt to control causes frustration and fatigue as it works against God’s natural design. The fear and fatigue comes out as criticism toward the one who is supposed to make them feel safe (husbands). Her anger and criticism invite the man to run away and escape. The more he withdrawals, the more abandoned she feels. The vicious cycle continues.

How do we break this cycle? As men who are designed to be leaders in the home, we must first reverse our natural tendency to run away from strong emotions. We have to address the fears and feelings of abandonment that our wives are experiencing. As we take responsibility for our failures to lead, they can begin to heal and feel safe. This means walking into some “control and criticism” coping behaviors and standing firm with love and patience. As we trust in the Lord to protect our tongue during these exchanges, our efforts to listen and honor our wives will bring new attitudes to the marriage. My failure to lead in the first 10 yrs. of marriage brought tremendous pain to my family. I can still feel the temptation to run from my wife’s emotions, but the Lord is teaching me to stand firm and love her through her fears and concerns. He is faithful when I trust Him.

Lord, help us to love our wives as you love the Church.